I found this video on YouTube and fell in love.  I absolutely love it when there is a meaningful presentation to go along with a song.  I am not a very religious person, but I don’t think you have to be to enjoy this.

???

What is it you see in me that makes you love me?  What is it that causes you to want to be near me?  Can’t you see my faults?  Don’t you see I’m broken?  What makes you think I deserve such a heart as yours?  More than that, what makes you think you deserve to have to be bogged down by such a damaged heart as mine?  Don’t you feel you deserve more?

I do…

I’ll never forget you

I have a small green box on my desk that I almost never open.  Most of the time I cannot even bring myself to touch it.  Just knowing what is inside makes me sad…

When I was in high school, one of my closest friends took his own life.  I still remember the last time I saw him.  We had skipped 5th period, something we did a few times.  We sat in the courtyard and talked.  Right before the bell rang for sixth period, we decided to get up and get ready for class.  He went towards the even halls and I went to the odd.  I remember turning half way around to look at him.  That was the last time I saw him alive. 

The next morning when I got to school, people were talking about a this kid who had shot himself in the basement bathroom in the school.  They said his name a few times, but my mind was telling me it was not someone I knew and sort of blocked any recognition of the name.  After all, suicides only happened to other people’s friends.

As I walked down to the school, a friend of mine came up to me and asked if I knew Thorin.  I said I didn’t think so.  At that moment I heard an announcement over the loud speaker for all orchestra members to go to the orchestra room and suddenly ~click~ I knew who everyone was talking about.  I immediately started to cry.  I was so scared as I made my way to the orchestra room.  How could this happen?

Only parts of the rest of the day reaminclear.  I remember going to the orchestra room and seeing everyone in there in tears.  Mrs Turner was really upset.  I’m not sure how long it was before I went to the office to call my mom.  I was really hard to tell her.  I was crying so much that I had to tell her more than once.  I remember there were specialists at the school right away to talk to students.  At some point in the next hour or so, I left the school with a couple of my friends.  We went up to the hospital where Beth’s mom worked.  Her mom was about to get angry that we were not at school until Beth told her why we were gone.  I don’t remember how long we stayed there or how we got to Beth’s house.  I think we went there because no adults were there and we wanted to be alone to deal with our pain in our own ways.

There was a candle light vigil at the school.  I can’t remember if it was that night or the next.  I still have the candle I burned.  I keep it in my green box along with newspaper clippings, the funeral program and pictures. 

It makes me so sad to know that I couldn’t see how unhappy he was.  I somehow over looked his suffering.  I would have done anything to take away his pain…

I miss you Thorin…

i keep trying to write exactly how i feel about you, but i cannot seem to find the right words.  i do not know how else to say I LOVE YOU.  you are the reason my heart beats.  you make my darkest day shine with hope.  i long for your touch whenever we are apart.  your voice rings in my ears like the most fantastic lullaby.  the bond we share is something most only dream about.  i hope you know just how deep my love for you goes.  not only do i believe you are my true soul mate, but you are my closest friend.  i willingly give you everything i have to offer, mentally and physically.  i love you until the end of time…

Secretary

 

Some would say I have a strange fascination for movies that do not follow the main stream. I guess I would have to agree. I have found some great movies by saying “well, that title looks interesting,” and giving it a chance. I’ve also subjected myself to some really terrible movies that way, but I still search for good ones.

When I find a movie that I think is worth watching over and over again, I tell everyone I know so they may find some meaning in it like I have. This is what I am going to do with this post. I have seen the movie Secretary many times. I fell in love with it the first time I watched it and immediately wanted to see it again.

Lee Holloway is a smart, quirky woman in her twenties who returns to her hometown in Florida after a brief stay in a mental hospital. In search of relief from herself and her oppressive childhood environment, she starts to date a nerdy friend from high school and takes a job as a secretary in a local law firm, soon developing an obsessive crush on her older boss, Mr. Grey. Through their increasingly bizarre relationship, Lee follows her deepest longings to the heights of masochism and finally to a place of self-affirmation. Written by  Sujit R. Varma   (taken from IMDB.com)

 

Lee says this while waiting for Mr Grey to come back after sitting at his desk for several days…

“In one way or another, I’ve always suffered. I didn’t know why, exactly. But I do know that I’m not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I’ve ever felt,…and I’ve found someone to feel with, to play with, to love,…in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too,…and that I want to love him.”

This is said shortly after Mr Grey ‘rescues’ Lee.

“Each cut, each scar, each burn, a different mood or time. I told him what the first one was. I told him where the second one came from. I remembered them all. And for the first time in my life, I felt beautiful. Finally part of the earth. I touched the soil and he loved me back.”

I can’t really put a finger on why this touches me so much…it just does.

 

 

lyrics

As a singer, lyrics are of course very important.  There are so many songs with absolutely ridiculous lyrics.  Whenever I hear one like that I first have to ask myself, why would someone write that, and then why in the world would someone want to sing it?!  I won’t sing a song that I can not relate to in some way.  There has to be an emotional connection for me to sing a song well.  Otherwise it’s just pretty noise…if that at all makes sense.  Just like an actor tries to identify with his character, I have to identify with the character of the song.  I try to put myself in the situation of the story being told.  I try to take in the words and make them my own. 

nightmare

I could not breath.  I had been running for what seemed like hours, too afraid to stop.  I looked back, the shadow was still there.  Moving thru the trees and bushes like the were just illusions.  With each step it became even more solid.  Soon it would have no problem keeping it’s grip on me once it caught up.  My legs burned with pain, my lungs hot.  Sweat poured down my face stinging my eyes.  It was a small pain I had no time to worry over. 

            The fear mounted.  I knew it was only a matter of time until my body gave out.  I could not keep going forever.  And the shadow would never stop.  I was in a perverse game of cat and mouse, and the cat had no mortal reservations.  It’s only purpose was to capture.  It would not stop until it’s goal was realized. 

            I noticed the mist covering the ground become more dense as I ran farther into the forest.  “I’ve got to find some place to hide,”  I told myself.  But where?  Was there any place sacred?  Anywhere the shadow would not dare not follow?  And screaming was of no use.  I had long since lost my voice.  Even if I could scream, would anyone come to help?  Would anyone care? 

            

….to be continued….           

freedom rain

  Wiping tears from her eyes she drove the old car down the street.  Where she was going she didn’t know, nor did she care.  All that mattered was she was leaving her past behind.  She was leaving the heartache and the frustration forever.  Never again would se be bound by a life that wasn’t hers.  From this moment forward she would live life for her.
            As she looked out the window drops of rain began to fall, like the weather was mimicking her.  Not knowing where the idea came from, she stopped the car next to an open field.  Taking in the sea of wild flowers spread out before her she stepped from the car.  The rain, now coming down harder began to wash over her, weighing down her curls.  In what seemed like seconds she was completely drenched.  She put her keys in the pocket of her worn jeans and pulled off her jacket.  Dropping the useless jacket, she walked farther into the field and realized that this was something she had never done before.  It felt wonderful! 
            She closed her eyes as she halted in the middle of the flowers, and like so many scenes from the movies she adored, she lifted her face to the sky.  She spread her arms and let the rain have it’s way with her.  Before she knew it she was spinning in slow circles and smiling like she had not smiled in years.  It was this very moment that the tears came back.  Yet they were different.  This time the tears did not come from sorrow or anger, but from relief.  She was finally free…

War for the Oaks

I read constantly.  I have to have a book with me at all times.  I enjoy so many different genres that it is hard to tell what book I may have at any given time.  Just like my taste in music, my taste for words is vast. 

One of my favorite books of all time is War for the Oaks by Emma Bull.  It is a fascinating story about a rock musician who gets tangled up in a war of faeries.  It is a struggle between good and evil which leads the main character, Eddi, to find love. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/War_for_the_Oaks

I highly recommend this book for anyone who has a vivid imagination and enjoys the supernatural and fantasy.

Simple plea…

An empty promise

A spark gone wrong

I thought with you

My heart would belong.

 

A bond once strong

Now lies in wait

To know an ending

Brought by fate.

 

I suffer alone

Though you’re so near

I scream aloud

Yet you don’t hear.

 

A simple plea

Is all I make

For you to try

Else it be too late.