I am completely worn out. I need a vacation from life. I’m tired all the time and I ache all over. I’ve had a terrible pain in my neck for a week now and nothing I do seems to make it better. I just need to be able to sleep and not worry about work or cleaning my house or taking care of my family. I know that sounds bad, but even if it is for one day, I think it would do me a world of good.
Rest In Peace
Saying goodbye is never easy, especially to a family member. My father-in-law passed on Friday 12/12/08 after several days in the hospital and open heart surgery. This holiday season will not be an easy one.
Ronald Jay Moore
1949-2008
Leader of the Band
An only child
Alone and wild
A cabinet makers son
His hands were meant
For different work
And his heart was known
To none –
He left his home
And went his lone
And solitary way
And he gave to me
A gift I know I never
Can repay
A quiet man of music
Denied a simpler fate
He tried to be a soldier once
But his music wouldnt wait
He earned his love
Through discipline
A thundering, velvet hand
His gentle means of sculpting souls
Took me years to understand.
The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through
My instrument
And his song is in my soul –
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
Im just a living legacy
To the leader of the band.
My brothers lives were
Different
For they heard another call
One went to chicago
And the other to st. paul
And Im in colorado
When Im not in some hotel
Living out this life Ive chose
And come to know so well.
I thank you for the music
And your stories of the road
I thank you for the freedom
When it came my time to go –
I thank you for the kindness
And the times when you got tough
And, pap, I dont think i
Said i love you near enough –
The leader of the band is tired
And his eyes are growing old
But his blood runs through
My instrument
And his song is in my soul –
My life has been a poor attempt
To imitate the man
Im just a living legacy
To the leader of the band
I am the living legacy
To the leader of the band.
I’ll never forget you
I have a small green box on my desk that I almost never open. Most of the time I cannot even bring myself to touch it. Just knowing what is inside makes me sad…
When I was in high school, one of my closest friends took his own life. I still remember the last time I saw him. We had skipped 5th period, something we did a few times. We sat in the courtyard and talked. Right before the bell rang for sixth period, we decided to get up and get ready for class. He went towards the even halls and I went to the odd. I remember turning half way around to look at him. That was the last time I saw him alive.
The next morning when I got to school, people were talking about a this kid who had shot himself in the basement bathroom in the school. They said his name a few times, but my mind was telling me it was not someone I knew and sort of blocked any recognition of the name. After all, suicides only happened to other people’s friends.
As I walked down to the school, a friend of mine came up to me and asked if I knew Thorin. I said I didn’t think so. At that moment I heard an announcement over the loud speaker for all orchestra members to go to the orchestra room and suddenly ~click~ I knew who everyone was talking about. I immediately started to cry. I was so scared as I made my way to the orchestra room. How could this happen?
Only parts of the rest of the day reaminclear. I remember going to the orchestra room and seeing everyone in there in tears. Mrs Turner was really upset. I’m not sure how long it was before I went to the office to call my mom. I was really hard to tell her. I was crying so much that I had to tell her more than once. I remember there were specialists at the school right away to talk to students. At some point in the next hour or so, I left the school with a couple of my friends. We went up to the hospital where Beth’s mom worked. Her mom was about to get angry that we were not at school until Beth told her why we were gone. I don’t remember how long we stayed there or how we got to Beth’s house. I think we went there because no adults were there and we wanted to be alone to deal with our pain in our own ways.
There was a candle light vigil at the school. I can’t remember if it was that night or the next. I still have the candle I burned. I keep it in my green box along with newspaper clippings, the funeral program and pictures.
It makes me so sad to know that I couldn’t see how unhappy he was. I somehow over looked his suffering. I would have done anything to take away his pain…
I miss you Thorin…
nightmare
I could not breath. I had been running for what seemed like hours, too afraid to stop. I looked back, the shadow was still there. Moving thru the trees and bushes like the were just illusions. With each step it became even more solid. Soon it would have no problem keeping it’s grip on me once it caught up. My legs burned with pain, my lungs hot. Sweat poured down my face stinging my eyes. It was a small pain I had no time to worry over.
The fear mounted. I knew it was only a matter of time until my body gave out. I could not keep going forever. And the shadow would never stop. I was in a perverse game of cat and mouse, and the cat had no mortal reservations. It’s only purpose was to capture. It would not stop until it’s goal was realized.
I noticed the mist covering the ground become more dense as I ran farther into the forest. “I’ve got to find some place to hide,” I told myself. But where? Was there any place sacred? Anywhere the shadow would not dare not follow? And screaming was of no use. I had long since lost my voice. Even if I could scream, would anyone come to help? Would anyone care?
….to be continued….
Responsibility
I have always tried to keep my heart protected. I’ve tried not to let myself get caught up in my emotions. It has not worked very well, and perhaps that is why I have gotten hurt so much. I also don’t trust people. I always feel like I’m going to be used for one reason or another. My recent past has shown me that I need to be even more careful of who I dare to trust even a little.
I will no longer let down the walls I have built. I will never let anyone else in again. There are very few people who will remain close enough to know me fully. I have been hurt so much it is hard for me to cope. The one person I though would never hurt me has cut me so deeply my soul is bleeding. I am so mad at myself for letting this happen. I should have seen it coming. I should have known better.
No more will I let anyone bring me down. I am in control. I will decide if what people say to me has an impact. It is my choice to be happy.
I was sent this in an e-mail recently and it makes complete sense. I am posting this where I will be able to read it everyday.
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY
I cannot commit to risk unless I am willing to accept responsibility for loss.
To accept responsibility means that I am going to do what has to be done or I am not going to do what has to be done and that whatever happens, good or bad, it is to my credit or it is my responsibility.
Taking responsibility saves time. I do not wonder who will help me. I know I have to help myself.
I may get other people’s opinions, but I still have to make the decision.
All questions about my life are my responsibility.
When I delegate responsibility to another person, I am still responsible.
When I act, I am responsible for my actions, even if what results is not intended.
· I am responsible for what I say.
· I am responsible for what I am.
· I am responsible for what I feel.
· I am responsible for what I do.
· I am NOT responsible for making others happy.
· I am NOT responsible for becoming what someone else wants me to.
· I am NOT responsible for distorting the truth to keep from hurting someone else’s feelings.
· I am responsible for when someone breaks a secret I told him or her, because I was a poor judge of character.
· I am responsible for when people use what I say to hurt me, because I am capable of judging when a person does not wish me well.
· I am responsible for defending myself.
· I am responsible for the ties other people have with me, because it takes two to tango.
· I am responsible for everything in my life that wouldn’t be there unless I did something.
If I do not like my lifestyle, I am responsible.
If I do not like my job, I am responsible.
If I do not like my home, I am responsible.
If I do not like my husband/wife, I am responsible.
If I do not like the way I am treated, I am responsible.
This may be hard to accept, but the truth is, was, and always will be that
“I get what I give”
my mask
I wrote this today. My first poem in years…
My Mask
I’m hidden behind a mask
Afraid for all to see
The woman I am
Not who I pretend to be
I’m scared of being alone
So I conform to a mold
Knowing that if I’m “me”
I’ll have no one to hold
I long to find comfort
Within my own mind
A personal peace
Where I don’t have to hide.
Welcome…
Welcome to my first ever blog. I don’t know how often I will write, but I will try to add things often.
Comments are always welcome to anything posted here.
