I have a small green box on my desk that I almost never open. Most of the time I cannot even bring myself to touch it. Just knowing what is inside makes me sad…
When I was in high school, one of my closest friends took his own life. I still remember the last time I saw him. We had skipped 5th period, something we did a few times. We sat in the courtyard and talked. Right before the bell rang for sixth period, we decided to get up and get ready for class. He went towards the even halls and I went to the odd. I remember turning half way around to look at him. That was the last time I saw him alive.
The next morning when I got to school, people were talking about a this kid who had shot himself in the basement bathroom in the school. They said his name a few times, but my mind was telling me it was not someone I knew and sort of blocked any recognition of the name. After all, suicides only happened to other people’s friends.
As I walked down to the school, a friend of mine came up to me and asked if I knew Thorin. I said I didn’t think so. At that moment I heard an announcement over the loud speaker for all orchestra members to go to the orchestra room and suddenly ~click~ I knew who everyone was talking about. I immediately started to cry. I was so scared as I made my way to the orchestra room. How could this happen?
Only parts of the rest of the day reaminclear. I remember going to the orchestra room and seeing everyone in there in tears. Mrs Turner was really upset. I’m not sure how long it was before I went to the office to call my mom. I was really hard to tell her. I was crying so much that I had to tell her more than once. I remember there were specialists at the school right away to talk to students. At some point in the next hour or so, I left the school with a couple of my friends. We went up to the hospital where Beth’s mom worked. Her mom was about to get angry that we were not at school until Beth told her why we were gone. I don’t remember how long we stayed there or how we got to Beth’s house. I think we went there because no adults were there and we wanted to be alone to deal with our pain in our own ways.
There was a candle light vigil at the school. I can’t remember if it was that night or the next. I still have the candle I burned. I keep it in my green box along with newspaper clippings, the funeral program and pictures.
It makes me so sad to know that I couldn’t see how unhappy he was. I somehow over looked his suffering. I would have done anything to take away his pain…
I miss you Thorin…
